A lot of what goes on in parenting is about expectations. There is what you think you should be as a parent, and what everyone else thinks.
To have a special needs child can free you from some of that pressure. The truth is, I will never be the perfect parent for my middle child. Partially because I still don’t know exactly what he needs (no one really does) and partially because its not my fault that he has special needs.
I mean it may be my fault, I did go to Israel when I was pregnant with him, I might have taken pseudafed at the wrong time because I don’t remember when I figured out that it was a no-no during the first trimester, etc. ect. But the truth was, I did everything I could to protect him when I was pregnant and when he was born, and my guess is that my middle son would have special needs regardless.
When parents really worry about whether they are pushing their children enough and protecting them enough, I feel for them.
However its hard for me to hear that if their child messes something up its a failure of them as a parent–I mean we hold some responsibility, but its important to figure out what we can control, what we have to cope with and what we have to live into.
On the one hand I know they are trying their best to be the bestest (yay for made up words) parent in the universe.
On the other hand, I also know that if you child doesn’t excel at everything, if your child isn’t completely safe at all times, that is ok too.
It reminds me of when my middle child broke his arm. This kid has low core muscles and cannot communicate well…Yet he is the one who is on the top bunk, he climbs on top of the play-house and loves to climb the ladders off the slides.
I try to keep a good eye on him when he does these things. Then what happens? He slides off the edge of the couch. Literally, I was sitting right next to him and saw it happen in slow motion.
He crumpled on top of his arm…and sure enough it broke.
However, it made me feel better, because he didn’t break his arm because I was being a “bad parent”…and when he broke his arm we were able to figure it out becuase Mr. Tough was whimpering….just whimpering….and we knew enough to pay attention. I would argue this was a moment of good parenting.
That’s not to say I haven’t had bad parenting moments. When I’ve yelled when I really didn’t need to, or when I first realized that my middle child didn’t understand I was addressing him unless I called him by name, specifically (and I had been addresing him in other ways all of his life thus far …about 3+ yrs)
If your child has special needs, it is not necessarily a reflection of your parenting skills, if they have special needs, it may take a while to figure them out.
Don’t give up!
Do the best you can.
And mostly, just love your child. Let them know you love them, they are safe and that you are proud of every achievement.
Currently its that my 5 yr old special needs child knows how to use the potty–when he’s naked…
It may not be ideal, but its a huge accomplishment for him, and I’m so, so proud of him. Maybe we will understand the entire concept by the end of summer before he goes to kindergarten.
But if he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed.
It means we’ve been working hard on that whole parenting-childling relationship.
and that’s important too!
I believe in playgrounds... 